today not a very lucky day for me..as for my previous posts..my days always tend to have same expression.."not very bright".."feeling down"..and so on...only differ on the words i use..but you get the meaning right..suppose life is a cycle of things that happen repeatedly..you notice or not...it happens everyday in life of ours...
i sat for a paper today..from 10.00 am till 11.30 am...it's written, so it's quite difficult..as you can see, i have to memorize more facts than i have to when i sit for practical examination...when it's written...the following stuffs will pop up in front of you...there will be mcq..writing essay..and so on...so many things to memorize and so many responsiblities held upon those knowledge...
as for unlucky i am today..i got stomachach in the morning..it's already three days as that include today as well, i got this stomachache..it's actually nothing serious just a common stomachache...although it's common but it's quite bothering..i can't concentrate on answering the questions..my brain went blank and i only feel pain inside my stomach..my answer sheet doesn't seem full with answer as i submit the paper to the man in-charged..i feel like crying that time~
i felt so down..i walk home with a feeling of depressed..some group of friends which is happen to be in same section as i am passed by me discussing about the examination..i felt really annoyed and sad at the same time..they said that mcq is okay and whatsoever they are chattering about..i just want to run away from the scene and find some place to cry...idiot right...but it's my reality..
soon, after i got home, the feeling is still the same..and to make things even worst, i opened my phone..i saw my parents' message wishing me for my success in the exam...and told me to do my best..and also they are always praying for me..i felt so sad and wanted to cry badly...i can't bear seeing them sad because of my result..but then just now i open an e-book in my lappy entitle "La Tahzan" and started to read it..my friend used to tell me to read this book when i'm down..and lately i've been doing as what she told and i'm glad i did..
as for this time i read about let bygones be bygones..it says here that it is a stupid things to do to live in within the past..the past is the past, don't make it a FUTURE..people who live for the past is like beating the air..useless..only wasting of time..remembering about the past is only making you even suffer..it says here that forget the past and keep moving forward..
because the future depends on how you manage your past...see the past as a reminder..not to do it again in the future..people who tends to turn back is only making his spirit falling down to pieces..because it keep remembering things that aren't suppose to be remembered and he keeps regreting the things that he done in the past..it is only making life so miserable as it's already are..
try to change your mindset..try to always look on the bright side..
as we live for TOMORROW not for YESTERDAY...as people walk forward towards the light..not walk backward to where they left their tears...
as i see here..just now i keep blaming for my being of having stomachache..i blame stomachache because i didn't do well in the exam and because of the stomachache all that i read go to waste..the brain went blank and nothing come out..but now i'm asking myself a question "am i studying because of the exam"~
and i kept blaming for stomachache...but the things is i'm actually blaming Allah for this as i'm not even aware of that..Astaghfirullah..all this that happen actually tell me something..that my efforts is not enough..i have to increase my struggle to succeed..not just blindly blaming for some technical problems that comes along..it just that it happens to be on that day of my examination..it has nothing to do with the occurance...the real point here is that Allah wants to show me that i have to study more and more in order to succeed..i'm not playing with doll here..it's life there...a mistake means fatal..
i just know now..not all bad things is a bad thing..every bad thing you assume as bad..keep being bad as long as you believe it is a bad thing..but if you see deep inside..you'll see a light in a small dark cottage..just remember that Allah is always beside you~
O' Allah guide me..i'm stray without Your help..
O' Allah please help me..correct me if i'm wrong..i'm weak and need Your guidance in every single thing that i do
O' Allah forgive me..i know i've done to many sins and yet i forget and arrogant to ask for forgiveness..i'm ashamed of myself..
O' Allah the creater of all~
see the PAST no more
over the rainbow
over the rainbow
love spread all along
and the skies are blue
secretly hold it tight
don't try to let go
as i begin to cry...
i wish i could see
the flying sky in front of me
wind gonna blow to high
feel the heart
warm as i touch
and i'm free to choose~
get instinct to write those words...
so meaningless..yet it gets so high
i believe when i sing..i'm lonely tone and want some place to share my thoughts and feelings...
actually i create this page just to express myself when i'm down.
most likely these days seem a "down" day for me..
i got overly sensitive over something trivial...
my friend told me to wake her up nicely and in a slow tone..but i did backward..
all i did was a mess..i have no manner at all..all things that i do seems so wrong and so unforgivable..
and i'm feeling so low because of that..i hate the feeling of being inferior like this..but i can't keep it from jumping all around me like an idiot and all i get is griefness all day long..
it keeps get out of me whenever it wants...i'm afraid of being sensitive over something that i'm not suppose to feel...
but the good thing i guess it seems..it's a good thing for me...Allah has spoken..He knew that i always did bad things..and i always keep telling myself that i want to change for better..but in the end nothing progressive happens..stood still like the first place..
and this is the sign...sign for me to proof..to make a move...to change for better...to make my day more happier than those days..i would like to take those words into action..take those "aching words" buried it inside my heart and change it into reality...
seems so easy to say yet so hard to practice in the real world...
i see people tend to change but how long they are going to stay that way it depends...
i got something interesting from my friend yesterday..might want to share it here..so interesting..it might melt your heart though...
i'm going to write this in my mother tongue because when i did in english i'm going to lose the paces..and the main point won't reach your heart..i suppose..
the topic i simplified as "istiqomah"..it means doing something good continually in the proper manner as stated in syariat..oh wait i think using english might work..
my friend told a story before she start to get to the main point...this story is about a turtle and a rabbit..this story mainly involves between a creature with power and a slow turtle yet very determine in doing something that it believes..
the rabbit and the turtle went for a rally to determine who is the fastest and who can get to the end point first..the competition begins as rabbit started to race as fast as eye would barely detect figure's rabbit along the rally tract..but in the other hand, the poor turtle started it's pace as slow as our eyes would feel tired to count those steps that it makes..
but guess what in the end the turtle come out to be in victory...wonder why..
this story has been told from generation to generation..yet so many takes it slightly from the story...there's so many moral we can get...and that include me but until yesterday..i begin to like the turtle...its determination i mean..
even though it is so weak and its pace is so slow...so full of weaknesses..but it keeps fighting until the very end..and guess what it won the races and proved that even though we're not good enough as others..but we have to be determined in what ever we do even though logically it's so unwinnable but the history prove backward..
scholars said in order to maintain our good action continuosly..there's few guide that we should follow in order to "istiqomah" in what ever we do...
1.aware with the final destination
2.show our commitment
3.continuous effort
4.always check and review did we do that or not
5.self-accountability
6.blame ourselves if we're unable to do it the best
7.strive for improvement
8.lastly, humble towards Allah...this is the most important part among others..
i think that's all for now~
i wish i would know
i'm not feeling bright this morning..i thought things would go right as i wish but all that happens keep torturing me by seconds..i wish i would know the answer...the answer to all my questions..but the truth is i'm still seeking..i'm still wondering will i be able to find it..let it be a question..till there is a answer...let it be a secret~
i don't feel like walking this morning..my usual routine is taking a walk to class and back from class..i used to like walking but nowadays the weather doesn't seem promising..so i rather take a ride than taking a walk alongside the wide road with a cold breezing inside me..although thought of having a coat doesn't warm you up..
this winter has give me a wonderful feeling of calmness..and the sky is blue..i can feel the warmth of the winter as i pass by the sea..it is so calm and refreshing..yet when the wind blows...i'm freezing..heart trembling..it is so cold and overwhelming at the same time..
this morning i took on a tram ride...the surrounding at that time was not as crowded as it used at peak time..it is kind of quiet i suppose..so i took a seat next to a woman..and i could hear morning chattering next to my place..they talk and talk in a foreign language but i could understand a few words..but as whole..i don't really understand what they are talking actually...deep in my heart..i wish i could understand what they are saying and chattering happily..thought that they did't know each other but they can have a conversation with a total stranger but with same native...mine not...i have to complete my studies here, so i have to accept their culture and the most important thing is their languange...it is 2 year and half i've been here..and yet i knew only a few words...that is so UNacceptabe...
but it was indeed an interesting conversation that i wish i could participate but i couldn't..i could see their face expression and all the talks..it increase my conscience to learn more harder than the past..
i wish i could understand..
i walk toward my house..the youngster chattering happily..i wish i could do the same..chattering fluently without any worries..worried that someone might laugh at you because of your clumsiness using unappropriate words..but it's ok to lost at first trial but never do the same mistake as people should learn from past and keep moving forward~
when i'm feeling low
why did i choose this name..i'm wonder~
i keep feeling low, and down to the earth whenever someone told what i did wrong..even though it's true that i did that but the thing is..i can't really accept it is told by someone else..i admit that i feel very annoyed when someone rebuke me, in a way that i assume unappropriate, that my body tend to throw it away..but..but..i felt as if i'm no good and did everything wrong in all the things..it doesn't feel right..i hope that this feeling will go away.. so that i will at ease receiving the reprimand from others with an open hand..but there will always something that kept me from doing that..
i suppose being good is very hard.. there is so many obstacles that i have to go through before i can reach that level.. it is a long way to go i believe.. but it's worth to live in..
creating this page..i suppose.. sharing makes me stronger..even though i'm not good at every thing i did but i'm glad that i did my best..
i keep forgeting things that i suppose to do..i barely remember to charge my cellphone whenever i ran out of battery..i keep saying those excuses for my misbehave.. i keep saying my sorry to my friends..by the end of my day i began to feel exhausted for sorry that i spread among others surround me..
do you how tired it would be just being good in front of other while you are not as good as they want you to be..pretending can be so tiring..hypocrite is another word suitable for me...
thats all for now..hope can keep writing..hope those who read this can get benefit even though it is just a tiny new perspective..thank you for your time~
